Good Morning America was on the other day playing in the background while I got dressed and I overheard the hosts giving a mom who was about to have her second child advice on the age old question…
Will I love the next as much as I love my first?
Maybe I am different but that was the last thing on my mind carrying my second,
For me, I was always enjoying the hiccups, wondering if they had hair (mine never really did), and all the fun stuff. I guess it was a non issue to me…I knew my heart was capable of loving each and every little being that came from my body just as much as the first.
And Hudson has truly stolen my heart…he was different from day 1…my first c-section (frank breach, no fluid left) and my only red head…just like my daddy was. His personality is just infectious. He loves so hard…I can’t tell you how many times he says “Mommy, I wuv you” every single day (and even more so when he is up to no good).
And even to his brothers and sisters.
It is so terribly sweet.
Don’t get me wrong, he has the temper of a red head too…the craziness of one. I don’t think that all of that came from his grandaddy though…he has his mama’s wild spirit, a little too much passion, a little too much fire, a little too much heart. He will harness it and grow into it and be spectacular.
He is my fourth,
he is my last it seems
and as I feel his toddlerhood slipping away with each new thing he learns, each new piece of independence he gains, it breaks my heart a little more. While I can’t wait to see what he, and my other kids bloom into, I know that one day the moments he lays in bed on my chest and snuggles me will merely be a memory that I can’t quite grasp the smell of, the feel of, the sweetness of…
and, yes I am crying. Motherhood is so bittersweet.
At my post op for the emergency surgery I had a few weeks ago (where my left ovary was taken due to ovarian torsion/cysts) I could hear a mama having a non stress test in the room next to me. For a moment I wished the walls were thicker…
that racing heartbeat of the little one growing in her and all the expectations and exiting things to come hit me like a ton of bricks…
I know that will never be me again. Even when you know you are finished with that part of your life and it is for the best, what might have been I think will always be in the back of your mind.
It hits you at the worst times, tears stinging.
So, for now I try to capture my kids in the littlest of things. Right after my surgery I took these (I was on pain meds and a little unsteady so they may have a few focus issues lol but I kindof loved the freelancing look it gave them)
Hudson needed a haircut…
It was a beautiful afternoon
a little chilly (you can see his chillbumps on his belly)
a little drizzle had started to fall (so I used OCF to capture some)
an unexpected rainbow formed behind him
as I watched red chunks of hair fall to the ground…
his fun expressions…
I captured it, hoping one day when he leaves my house with his wife and grandchildren (should that be his direction) I can look through my 2018 book and see those and just maybe it will bring back all the feels I felt when I captured them.
(P.S.) I love editing my personal stuff because I can do whatever, whether it matches my style at all!)